Beauty and the Beast? You SO Screwed It Up
by hereandgone
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a cold-hearted Uchiha who pissed off a blonde Jinchuriki. He was cursed to live the rest of his life with a fugly orange mask on his face, unless he found a girl to fall in love with him. He had until a ramen cup expired...
1. Chapter 1

(Not-So-Sweet) Beauty and the Beast (With a Stick Up His Egotistical Ass)

Chapter 1

Our tale begins in a world similar to ours – similar, but with its own little differences.

"Uchiha-sama! Uchiha-sama!" The excited squeals of fangirls even reached the dark depths of the Uchiha household, where a certain Madara Uchiha's room was located. "We loooooove you!"

A young Madara groaned into his hands, lying on his bed with the lights off. "Stupid fucking girls can't shut up to save their life…" He sat up slowly, like the little prince he was and muttering something that sounded something along the lines of, "_s__leep__…__?_" The Uchiha beauty queen – I'm sorry, _king_ – raised the blinds of the big window beside his bed with a stretch, and his features were thrown into view.

The young man looked to be in his mid-twenties, with dark brown hair that had a slightly messy look about it, and eyes of a strange shade – black tinted red. His face would cause any girl to swoon on sight, with a mysterious, aloof personality to match his unapproachable image.

He was also an arrogant son of a bitch.

But he was also totally hot, so that didn't really matter, now did it?

Of course, the fangirls screaming outside weren't _his_ – he was too scary for his fans to be as bold as that. They came, or at least only squealed, for his younger cousins Itachi and Sasuke.

All three of the Uchiha cousins were quite the lookers, and each had their own fan club.

All three were also cold bastards, as stated above with Madara, but that didn't seem to matter to the foolish, shallow girls outside, as also stated above.

The semi-silence was shattered as someone – Itachi, probably, since Madara didn't have many friends inside his family – knocked on the door and called in the trademark Uchiha fashion (emotionless, yet somehow still sexy, say the fangirls) "Madara, everyone's leaving for the family reunion. Make sure you come, at least for the dinner part. It ends at midnight tonight."

Madara ignored the call and lay back on the bed, relaxing, as the screams of the fangirls grew fainter and fainter. Today was the day of the big Uchiha family reunion. _All_ the Uchiha household residents were going, to meet the relatives from faraway countries and such. It was a very important occasion that only took place once a year, where attendance was mandatory, and could start an inter-family feud if someone didn't show up.

…Maybe he would make an appearance as the reunion ended, _if_ they were lucky.

Deciding to catch up on some much-needed sleep, he crawled under the covers and was just about to drift off to the happy, jolly land of dream world, when-

"KNOCK KNOCK, ANYBODY HOME?"

Madara groaned and curled up, determined not to move, but the persistent voice refused to fade away, and kept shouting, and shouting, and shouting…

Extremely pissed, our resident Uchiha rebel finally stood and stumbled to his bedroom door (in a very manly way, of course), and from there, made his way to the front door that seemed to be miles away. He stomped all the way to the door, with a facial expression that could have fried a couple bunnies, if they had been there.

"_What.__" _(It wasn't a question. Uchihas don't question, they _demand_.) He threw open the door to see a blonde boy with whisker marks grinning up at him, seemingly unafraid of the if-looks-could-kill expression Madara wore.

"Can I have some hot water? I'm really hungry, you see, and I have this instant ramen that needs to be cooked…"

Madara slammed the door and turned around to go back to sleep, when the doorbell rang again. With steam almost pouring from his ears, he opened up the door again, to reveal the same stupid blonde kid. "So can I have it?" he asked in a chirpy voice.

"…" He couldn't believe the stupidity off the kid. "…Go fuck yourself." And with that, he turned around, for the doorbell to ring _again_.

"_WHAT__DO__YOU__FUCKING__WANT_?"

"I'll give you one last chance, nii-san. _Give__me__the__fucking__water._"

Madara blinked, surprised at the sudden change of tone, but slammed the door again nonetheless. Big mistake.

Suddenly the antique, dated-from-before-freaking-_samurai_-existed, priceless, _gigantic_ doors came crashing down, and in came a demon. A demon in the form of an enraged, _psycho_, kid, who Madara now hazily noticed was around the Sasuke's age.

"_I__GAVE__YOU__A__CHANCE.__NOW__YOU__MUST__PAY.__YOU__'__RE__A__PRETTY__BOY,__HUH?__WELL,__I__'__M__GOING__TO__FUCKING__CURSE__YOU__WITH__THIS__FUGLY__MASK.__YOU__HAVE__TO__WEAR__IT__FOREVER__UNTIL__YOU__FINALLY__FIND__A__GIRL__STUPID__ENOUGH__TO__MARRY__YOU__ANYWAYS.__AND__YOU__HAVE__TO__LOVE__HER__BACK.__" __(_Madara managed to stop gaping un-Uchiha-like here for a second to notice that the kid seemed to have spouted red flames. He didn't question it, because the demon hadn't stopped yelling.)

_"__AND__SHE__HAS__TO__HAVE__WEIRDLY__COLORED__HAIR,_NATURAL_.__YOU__HAVE__UNTIL__THIS__RAMEN__EXPIRES__TO__FIND__HER.__AFTER__IT__EXPIRES,__YOU__'__LL__DIE__AN__EXTREMELY__PAINFUL,__HUMILIATING__DEATH__LIKE__THE__LITTLE__BITCH__YOU__ARE.__NEXT__TIME__GIVE__ME__THE__FUCKING__WATER,__BASTARD._"

Then Madara felt something uncomfortable cover his face, a jumbo cup of ramen was thrown into his hands, and the blonde demon smiled sweetly and walked away.

**Line break**

He could not fucking believe this.

He was Uchiha Madara, a genius – and blessed (or cursed, as he used to say) with godly looks.

He was _not_ some little son of a bitch who wore a mask ugly as shit.

Especially an orange, swirly mask that screamed, "LOOK AT ME, I'M A LITTLE IDIOT WHO NEVER REACHED PUBERTY!"

…

…

…Oh shit.

…The Uchihas were going to be home soon.

…

…

Madara wanted to scream, but of course, Uchiha geniuses do not scream.

Instead, they pace in a manly way around their equally manly (and becoming-increasingly-cluttered) room.

He had tried all sorts of things to get the stupid mask off his face. He had looked up unsticking methods off of every fucking site on the Internet devoted to the subject. He was also now a master of Google, Ask dot com, Yahoo Search, and other such search engines. Even Bing!

He was also one of the few people who actually clicked their way all the way to the last number that represented each page of the search engine available. You know those little "o"s that go along the bottom of the screen of Google? Yeah, well he had clicked every single one of those things.

Every. Single. One.

And he still had this orange plastic _thing_ stuck to his face.

Itachi was going to be home soon. So was the little Sasuke brat.

Shit, crap, mouse turds.

Abruptly, Madara jumped to his closet and grabbed his emergency suitcase, packed already with everything he would need to survive away from home. After all, Madara, although the semi-black sheep of the Uchiha family, was also a genius, and all those skipped grades and college scholarships weren't for nothing. He was a _prepared_ rebel. (Plus Itachi's annoying motto was "be prepared", and the guy was _really_ good at nagging.) Of course, he also made sure to remember his cell phone, laptop, and other such necessities.

…On second thought, he left behind the laptop. The Uchiha elders were a bunch of sneaky little fuckers, and he didn't put it past them to get past his defenses and slip a tracking software (that probably wasn't supposed to be invented yet) into his beloved laptop. But his phone should be safe.

…Or not. He left his phone behind too.

Before he left the massive Uchiha residence, he paused to leave a short note for his loving, caring family, making sure to sorrowfully explain his situation and show his obvious regret and sadness at leaving the mansion:

_Hey,__Dickheads-_

_Leaving__to__my__own__place.__Think__of__it__as__a__late__form__of__teenage__rebellion,__eloping,__or__whatever.__I__'__ll__be__back__someday,__so__don__'__t__you__dare__rent__my__room__off.__No,__you__may__not__visit,__and__I__am_not_going__to__go__get__incredibly__drunk__and/or__end__up__found__dead__in__a__gutter__somewhere.__If__I__come__back__to__find__anything__of__mine__gone,__I__'__ll__kill__ everyone__._

_Madara_

With that done, he raced out into the gigantic Uchiha garage and, after a little consideration, jumped into his sleek black (of course) insert_discreet_yet_insanely_fast_and_expensive_car_name_here, chosen for the tinted windows and less identifiable license plate. (On his other cars, he had customized the license plates with his name, "interests", unmentionably crude terms, etc…)

Throwing his luggage in the back, and trying in vain one last time to yank the stupid fugly mask off his (*cough* gorgeous *cough*) face, Madara slammed the car into reverse and raced the hell away from his former life.

…Then he raced back because he forgot to bring the ramen cup.

Chapter 1 End

**Author's Note: The title's changed, I know. Hopefully it's better than the old one. **

**REALLY REALLY SORRY BOUT THE LATE UPDATE**

**I'm not very pleased with this chapter, but hopefully you'll put up with it, ehehe…**

**Oh, and today's my birthday, lucky me!**

**Too****bad****you****guys****can****'****t****give****me****anything****… *****cough***REVIEW***cough***

Thanks to:

PiperDreamer

jkakok

XxDarkSarcasm1010xX (extra kudos to you, my friend :])

Fiercest

Usually I reply to all my reviewers, but I missed a couple of you guys… Sorry…

Thanks lots!


	2. Chapter 2

(Not-So-Sweet) Beauty and the Beast (With a Stick Up His Egotistical Ass)

Chapter 2

**Warnings: This story contains excessive cussing. If you cannot handle this, turn away now. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

"So what you're saying is, you're Madara Uchiha, my old… _acquaintance_ from school."

"Yes, and the way I remember, we were pretty close, right, _Nagi-chan_?"

"…And the reason you have that orange… _thing_ on your face is because you wouldn't give a blonde demon brat some water for his ramen."

"The brat was evil."

"And you can't get it off unless a girl with weird hair color agrees to marry you, which you have until that ramen expires to do."

"You catch on quick, don't you, Nagi-chan?"

"…And now, even after insulting me just now, you want to force yourself into my house until you can get the mask off."

"That's pretty much it."

There was a short silence before the other responded.

"You do realize that I don't have to let you, right?"

"But Nagi-_chan_, we're friends, right?"

"…What did you say would happen if you run out of time?"

"I die a painful, humiliating death 'like the little bitch I am.'"

"Sounds good to me."

"But Nagi-"

"Hey, Leader-sama, who're you talking to, yeah?" An unfamiliar male voice called from the top of the stairs. "And when's breakfast?"

"'Leader-sama'? Kinky, aren't you?" Madara smirked as he stretched his legs out onto the beautiful glass coffee table in front of him. He was currently at his old friend's mansion, far, far away from the Uchiha, and even with the stupid orange mask on his face, he couldn't help but feel more powerful. He had always been the dominating one in their relationship, after all…

Oh my god, that did _not_ sound right.

"Madara, as _close_ as we are, 'Nagi-chan' is going to have to remind you that he holds your life in his hands right now." The orange-haired man's eyes gleamed with something rather frightening, and the Uchiha _almost_ gulped nervously. Not that he was nervous, or anything. Besides, cute little Nagato would never turn _him_ away.

"By the way, do you remember my childhood dream of world domination?"

…Although Nagi-chan _had_ gotten just a tad bit scary over the years.

"…Yeah…" He so did not like where this was going.

"I've managed to form a group willing to help me, called Akatsuki. We're not ready yet, of course, but I assure you that they're all very talented individuals. Not to mention that they're all loyal to me." Pein smirked, shoving his friend's feet off the glass table and replacing them with his own. "Oh, and I'm sure you remember my natural _talent_of blackmailing from our high school days, hm?"

Uchiha men most certainly do not lose, so naturally Madara mustered up his smirking skills and coolly 'mentioned', "Yes, but I also seem to remember that just right now, you basically just confessed that you want to take over the world, so I could have the Uchiha arrest you and/or take over."

Pein didn't like to lose either. "I doubt they would listen to a girly little brat with an orange swirly mask on his face." Oooh, _burn._

Luckily, Madara had a trump card that he had saved for over five years.

"…I'll tell Konan that at that one party at my summer house you slept with six women at once and posted pictures of yourself and your 'friends' on the Internet while you were drunk."

Silence.

"…You wouldn't dare."

A smug, nasty little Uchiha air took over the silence and buried it alive.

"You deleted it the next day, I know, but did I mention I have photo evidence?" It was almost too easy.

"… Welcome to my humble abode, old friend. I can have you situated in the _second_ master bedroom on the third floor by tomorrow. And I'll introduce you to my minions at breakfast."

"I knew you'd always be there for me, bro. Oh, and you don't mind me calling you 'Nagi-chan', right? It's a hell lot better than the name you're using now. I mean seriously, '_Pein_'?" Madara smirked, relaxing completely as his old friend tried his best not to twitch. He was defeated. Konan was one woman you didn't want to mess with, after all. And she sure had Nagato whipped. Speaking of which… "Hey, Nagi, where's Konan? Waiting for you back in your bedroom? How rude of you to leave her waiting like that."

Pein flushed, a rare sight for all (except Madara. No, he got to see it quite often. It was one of the bonus perks that came with going to school with the orange-haired boy, especially when they were pushed together automatically; after all, two young geniuses who skipped a hell of a lot of grades didn't exactly have much of a choice of friends in high school. But that story's for another time.). It was a sure sign that he was rapidly turning back to his high school self, when Madara was always the one in charge… Oh, those horrible days… He had basically been Madara's bitch, not that anyone knew (or would ever find out, unless they wanted a death wish).

"Konan is part of my organization too, but she's gone on a… _business_ trip at the moment. She'll be back soon."

"Pity, pity," the older man sang, arms behind his head, relaxed. He had won. Life was good.

"You know, it's rather strange, hearing a guy with an orange swirly mask speaking with a deep voice like that," Pein frowned, looking uncharacteristically adorable as his nose scrunched slightly in confusion. What the hell, he reasoned. He was the bitch in this relationship, no question about it. Madara had seen him _cr__y_before. Uncharacteristic didn't _exist_ before this cruel beast. He'd seen it all.

"How about this, then?" He pitched his voice higher and made himself sound stupid. "Madara is hungry, senpaiiii! Madara wants to eat now!"

Pein leaned back and scrutinized the masked Uchiha with a contemplative expression. "Hmm… That sounds much more natural, but the name… I think something else would be better." He made a face. "And 'senpai' just doesn't suit me."

"Bob? Naruto? Sasugay?" The evil Uchiha in orange spouted random names as his mind spat the stupidest-sounding ones out. "Edward? Voldemort? Bella? Tamaki Suoh? Spongebob Squarepants?"

"Where are you getting these from?" the other asked with an incredulous look on his face.

A shrug. "I don't know. I just made 'em up right now. But they are pretty stupid, huh?" Offhandedly, Madara added another name to his list, speaking again with the higher voice. "How about Pein? Oh, sorry – that one's taken already, huh…"

Pein flared with anger. That was just one time too many. _No__one_ messes with the name. It had taken him _forever_ to come up with a suitable villainous pseudonym. It was _perfect_. Madara Uchiha was just a stupid asshole, that was all. But now he would pay.

Madara, unaware of his impending doom, couldn't resist teasing Pein one more time: he squealed in his high "stupid" voice, "Aw, is you angry, Leader-sama?"

** BAM!**

A long-haired blonde suddenly jumped down from the second story and landed behind Madara with a loud thud. "Hey, who's that, yeah, Leader-sama?"

He meant to say something insulting and Uchiha-like, he really did. Something along the lines of how kinky 'leader-sama' sounded. But somehow his mind had wandered off and instead he found himself squealing in that stupid high pitch he'd donned for the joke earlier, "Leader-sama – " before he could stop.

_**Perfect.**_

And from the slowly widening grin on his pierced 'friend's' face, no one was about to forget it.

"Deidara," Pein stated calmly, perfectly serious, "Meet the newest prospective Akatsuki member. His name is... Tobi."

It could have been fixed if he'd just stopped there. But no. Pein was way too good to let his revenge be ruined.

"He has nowhere else to go, and so he begged me for the spot. He's a bit childish, but he'll do. Tobi…" An evil pause. "Is a good boy."

The message was clear. _Go__along__with__this__or__your__swirly-masked__face__gets__plastered__all__over__the__newspapers__of__the__world.__So__do__it,__little__bitch._

And so, with the haunting feeling that he had just signed his life away to the devil, Madara used his high-pitched voice to reply.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

chapter 2 end.

**I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorreeeeeeeeeeeeeee**

**Ahhhh I just couldn't bring myself to update for the LONGEST TIME….**

**Well it's up. If anyone spots any contradictions, typos, etcetera, please say so in a review or PM. Ask any questions.**

**Sorry, no posting of all my wonderful reviewers this time – I'm a little crazed right now. **

**I love you all, though! Every one of you who reviewed – it's you guys that made me write this. Reviews make me all fuzzy inside, k? :3 And thanks too to the people who added to favorites, put me on alert, etc. **

**I'll try to update _Messing__With__Love_ soon, okay? Check it out. **

**I can't promise, but I'll try. Love you all!**


	3. Chapter 3

(Not-So-Sweet) Beauty and the Beast (With a Stick Up His Egotistical Ass)

Chapter 3

"My name is Tobi and I am a good boy."

"Incorrect. Say it with more enthusiasm. Get into your character."

"My name is Tobi. And I am a very good boy."

"'Tobi' doesn't sound like a very good boy."

"Me llamo Tobi. Ju nun chakhan namja ee eh yo."

"…Don't be a smartass."

A man (?) with an orange mask covering his face stood in a large bedroom, dressed in a black cloak with red clouds sewn on rather haphazardly. He seemed to be in a rather bad mood.

In front of him sat an orange-haired man with strange ringed eyes, dressed in a beautifully elegant cloak with the same design, but with a more refined cut. He seemed to be in a rather good mood.

These two people were best friends for life. As chummy as two pals could be. BFFL. Practically brothers.

Then the masked man screamed, in a very manly way, of course. But really, best friends do that all the time in each other's presence, because that's just how comfortable they feel around each other.

His scream cut off abruptly, and his voice became a sharp monotone. "I hate you."

Pein was almost radiating sunshine. "I'll meet you downstairs for your grand unveiling, Tobi!" (That just shows how happy he was. Pein never used exclamation points in his normal speech unless he was angry.)

Truly, best friends. Able to express so much in so little words. Ah, the joys of life.

And so the scene ends, curtains closing on two very close best friends.

**line break**

"Sakura."

She looked up, otherwise pretty green eyes flashing menacingly. Skillful hands paused in their work as their owner growled with stress screaming from every syllable. "What, Kakashi? I'm busy."

His tone remained upbeat as ever, but his eyes were unusually grave. "Sakura, I'm afraid that I'm going to need you to a little favor for me."

Deft hands started moving again, and a life was saved. Not even taking a moment to congratulate herself, she moved on to the next table. "Hurry up, then! I have a large batch of patients coming in soon from a car accident down on Maple, with two in critical condition!"

A cough. "Well, see, Sakura…. Remember Sasuke?"

"What? Of course, what kind of question is that?"

"Well, apparently his brother went psycho last night and killed the whole clan. I went to go see him for… comfort and condolences, you know, but… He's not doing so well."

"What, Itachi Uchiha, the perfect guy? The one who was Valedictorian when he graduated early a couple years back? The one who got accepted into-"

"Yes, that Itachi Uchiha. Anyways, so Sasuke is a little… _depressed_ right now."

"Oh my god, did you check his wrists for cuts?"

"I was too afraid of what I'd find. But the police hasn't said anything. _Anyways_, Sakura, you haven't let me get to the point yet."

"Well, hurry, then! Now I have two critical condition patients on the way, _and_ I have to check Sasuke's mental condition!"

"Well, I might have taken it upon myself to follow Itachi, okay? His trail led to a big house in the middle of nowhere. I couldn't help but notice that there was a bunch of instant ramen cups littering the lawn. And I was a little hungry, so I might have… oh, I don't know… _taken_ one of them."

"…Uh-huh."

"And then some guy in a gay orange mask comes out, screaming not to touch his ramen, so I throw it back, but apparently I messed up his count or something, because he starts getting _really_ mad."

"…"

"He told me I had _better_ have something to pay for messing it all up. He was going to make me stay there and work as his slave, but you know, I have plans and all…"

"…"'

"Soitoldhimmy beautifulfemalestudent wouldbewilling totakemyplace, kthanxbi!"

Suddenly he was gone.

Sakura stood, hands encased in blood from the patient she'd been working on. Gears cranked slowly in her head.

Then it clicked.

"KAKAAAASSSHIIIIIIII!"

A click of the door, and a blonde entered the room.

"Sakura-chan? Kakashi-sensei gave me this instant ramen cup and told me to tell you he 'managed to sneak this away, at least.' Can I have it?"

Then there was much blood.

**Line break**

Madara sat brooding in his room, curtains closed so that a melodramatic shadow fell across his body on the bed.

When. Had. His. Life. Turned. This. Way.

He was Madara Uchiha. Good-looking, intelligent, wealthy, and with a social life. He had good fashion sense (not quite as good as Itachi's, though. Gay pansy. Sasuke, on the other hand, had the fashion sense of… well, Orochimaru). He had style, flair, and dramatic airs.

He was practically perfect.

And now he was not.

Yesterday morning he had arrived at Pein's house. He'd been introduced sometime in the evening, to much laughter at his dispense. Pein had been beaming with delight under all those stupid piercings.

Then, if that wasn't bad enough, this morning he'd come down to breakfast (due to much coaxing from the orange-haired brat he was refusing to speak to) to see his younger cousin sitting there, nonchalantly sipping from a cup of coffee.

#

_The__kitchen__was__silent.__No__one__was__there__except__for__Itachi__and__himself._

_ He__couldn__'__t__bring__himself__to__talk.__Itachi__would__never__let__it__go__if__he__saw__his__oh-so-perfect__(yet__ sexily __rebellious)__older__cousin__in__the__orange_thing_he__was__wearing.__Never._

_ What the fuck was he doing there, anyway?_

_ Maybe if he acted like Tobi, he'd escape suspicion. Tobi was nothing like Madara, right?_

_ So just like he'd practiced hundreds of times the day before with Pein, the idiot, Madara raised his voice to a pre-pubescent squeak and made his pride hide in a corner of his mind._

_ "Good morning! Who are you? Tobi is Tobi, and," he covered his eyes mentally in humiliation, "Tobi is a good boy!"_

_ He wouldn't put it past Pein to have cameras everywhere. One slip-up, and his safe haven away from everyone who mattered was gone._

_ "Good morning." Itachi, the brat, coolly continued sipping at his coffee, and spoke with such refined elegance that he wanted to strangle him with the stupid traditional necklace he was wearing. Gay pansy. _

_ "Well, Tobi has to go now! Bye-bye!" There was no way he was going to stay any longer. Itachi could be scary sometimes._

_ As he left, he heard words come out from behind him that made his blood freeze in their path through his veins._

_ "Goodbye, Madara."_

_ Oh, the humiliation._

_#_

He was still wondering why Itachi was here. There was no way the Uchiha clan would let their prized obedient prodigy leave them. And how had he found him? A tracker? Stupid brat.

And then! While he was brooding from the Itachi encounter in the garden! Apparently _someone_ had taken the instant ramen cup with his death date on it from his bag, and somehow it had ended up mixed in with all the other brands in the cabinet. He'd been trying to find his, but he'd forgotten what it looked like, so he was just… well, trying to jog his memory. He'd brought them all out to the garden to check each brand.

There were a lot of brands.

And then, when he went inside for a break, he'd come out again to see a stupid retard with gray hair messing up his entire stack! He'd had to start over.

The only good thing that had happened the entire day so far was that he now had a prisoner to make more miserable than him. Apparently it was a girl, and pretty one at that. She was going to die, the bitch. He was in a bad mood.

**Line break**

In Konoha, in the middle of simultaneously packing her bags and throwing knives at a picture of her grinning sensei, Sakura paused mid-throw.

"All of a sudden I feel really pissed."

Somewhere else, a person died.

**Chapter 3 end.**

.

.

I give my everlasting gratitude to:

.RaWR. .

keraii

Happyfish

Geniusly-Unique

Shining Through

Dragon'sHost

Shigeki-Hizashi

XxDarkSarcasm1010xX

the-only-puppet-lover

Lil' DeiDei

yuchi1994

KThxBai

toySolieli

tobi's a bad boy

AkaEyes

Ilovedeidei

blueangels44

I lost a A Bet To Madara

Much

…And to all those anonymous reviewers, because I love you guys too :)

…And to you people who just really like my story! Although I don't love you quite as much as these people on this little hall of fame right here.. But I still love you lots too!

**Question Answering Time:**

To answer some of the questions I got in reviews:

Izuna will most likely not be appearing in this story, although he may be mentioned. I totally forgot about him. -.-

Sorry about changing the order of names… I'll change it if it bugs anyone, so tell me if it does, okay? For now, though….

I chose Madara because he's the one with the mask. It's just an idea I had one day while I was reading fairy tale – "oh, Madara could be the beast, and the rose thing could be an instant ramen cup, and ohmygod Naruto would be the fairy, and…" Etc.

**The****world****this****story****takes****place****in****is****a****modern****AU,****but****kind****of****not**. As in, impossible things happen, such as the whole Naruto spouting flames thing and the curse, and some other things you'll later see, but it does _not_ take place in a world of ninja. Eh, it'll keep you readers on your toes. Expect the unexpected, and all.

And sorry to those of you who hate Sakura. I just needed a girl, and an OC just didn't fit, and… Sakura's the easiest. She fits, too.

I really love you all :)

Alright, my wonderful readers! I'm hoping for a lot from this story, and I hope you guys will support me by reviewing. Thank you very much!


	4. Chapter 4

(Not-So-Sweet) Beauty and the Beast (With a Stick Up His Egotistical Ass)

Chapter 4

The house plate had a metal "665" in fancy font, although the number had been crossed out in something red and replaced with a messy number 1 with a cartoon thumb's up drawn next to it. Sakura could also see that the _metal _plate had been crumpled up like paper.

…And torn off the house to be left where it had presumably been thrown on the lawn by an obviously angry person.

"Sakura, darling. Welcome to your new home."

Then, after stabbing her beloved silver-haired scarecrow doll with her nails one last time (and stomping it to the ground for good measure), she took her bags and walked up the gigantic path leading to the mansion.

**Line break**

"…What business do you have here?" Pein crossed his arms, turning on his darkness factor to high. He expected her to run away screaming. He did not expect her to cross her own arms and glare defiantly back.

"One of your assholes has a new slave. That would be me."

Intimidation does not work on someone whose godmother is Tsunade.

His expression changed immediately, awareness creeping on his features. "Oh, you're the student that masked dumbass offered in his place."

She scowled. "Yeah."

He smirked for a second, but then his face froze in a look of horror. "Wait, but your hair – it's pink!" Sakura swore she heard him mutter something along the lines of "need more time to humiliate… high school…" before he looked up with near desperation in his expression. "Please tell me it's dyed."

Her temper flared and her face darkened, insulted. "It's _natural_, dammit, and if anyone asks me that again -"

"_NO! _It's too soon! I need more time to humiliate him before I can repay him for…" Here his voice trailed off into a mutter again.

…There were some serious weirdoes here.

His head jerked up in sudden epiphany, and the orange-haired man smiled eerily. Sakura just stared at him. She was so ready to punch him if he tried to touch her.

But then her head was pushed down by a sudden pressure, disappearing as quick as it came. She reared up, ready to smack the bitch into oblivion –

"Here, keep that beanie on. And whatever you do, don't take it off." He smiled a little nervously now, instincts trained by Konan's PMSing periods ready to react. "…It's a trick to get back at the guy who's enslaving you… And it makes you look…" He screwed up his face for a second as if the word was causing him pain. "_Cute_."

Sakura glared at him, but turned to check herself in the mirror hung on the wall of the entrance hallway. There was now an ugly purple beanie covering her head, with only a few strands of pink sticking out. "Ew, I look gross. What the hell?"

"P-_Please_ wear it. Just for the first bit, okay?" Oh, Kami. The girl had him saying the p-word and begging in just three minutes after he saw her. She was going to get along great with Konan.

Sakura considered ripping off the beanie and tearing the orange pierced wonder's dreams to shreds while she was at it, but decided against it when she remembered the whole thing was in order to get back at the bastard she was now slave to.

"Hmph. Carry my bags, bitch. I better be getting a nice room for this."

Pein did so meekly, inwardly wondering how Madara brought out his submissive side without even being there.

**Line break**

Tobi was a very good boy. Therefore, when Zetsu-san had asked him to attend to the very rare red thing in the greenhouse for a day, of course, Tobi had accepted. Eagerly.

Tobi was also a very smart boy. Therefore, when he decided he did not particularly feel like taking care of the red thing, he had decided to comment on his very favorite Deidara-senpai's very pretty hair and run into the greenhouse. After all, the flowers were so very pretty just like Deidara-senpai, and wouldn't it be nice if they met?

And as Zetsu dragged the terrified Deidara into a corner of the greenhouse amidst the flaming destruction, Tobi left to give the poor flowers a funeral. The poor flowers' death didn't make him sad, though. He was looking forward to his new little friend's approaching arrival. Just think, someone new to play with, and all to himself too!

Madara had no qualms about skipping all the way to the mansion. Tobi was a good boy, after all.

**Line break**

The newest member of Akatsuki sipped at his tea elegantly, sitting with perfect posture at his seat at the kitchen table. It was a fine day and he was drinking fine tea at a fine mansion with the fineness of no company.

Ah. Life is good.

Suddenly the picture of elegance was briefly shattered as he saw something through the window that caused him to lose his poise in a moment of shock.

Itachi Uchiha was a strong man. He had forced his way through a woman's bathhouse without flinching, learned of his family's research in the more unusual altering of the human body without wincing, and witnessed his first porn movie (surround sound, wide screen, blu ray, everything – only the best of the best for Shisui Uchiha) without losing composure. Hell, he'd killed almost his entire family and scarred his adorable little brother for life the day before and was now calmly sipping tea in a stranger's kitchen. But this was too much.

Poor Itachi was shocked. Itachi was flustered. Itachi lost composure due to aforementioned shock and fluster.

The newest member of Akatsuki remembered himself and leaned back to sip at his tea, his hand only slightly shaking. Such a comeback was extraordinary indeed – well proving the extraordinary prodigal abilities of Itachi Uchiha.

How would a normal person react, after all, at the sight of Madara Uchiha skipping across a yard with a load of daisies in his arms?

**Line break**

Sakura was hanging her clothes in her new closet when she looked up to see someone walking into the room.

Her initial thought was: How rude, to walk into a girl's room without knocking. Not that she was sexist or anything, but come _on_ – accidentally walking in on a shirtless girl is a slightly bigger deal than walking in on a shirtless guy, right?

Her second thought was: Shit, _orange mask_ _with flowers_. Immediately, she whacked the flowers out of the guy's hands – hey, anything can be used as a weapon – and struck up a fighting stance with a clothes hanger as her weapon.

The stranger seemed surprised and just a little upset. "Bitch, you made me drop my flowers!"

Sakura relaxed a little. She was used to dealing with gay guys. She could do this.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You shouldn't have surprised me, though. Even if you're not interested in girls, you should knock."

Silence.

More silence.

Sakura flushed, embarrassed. She'd obviously made a mistake. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!"

Madara felt his anger start to abate a bit. The bitch probably realized there was no way a womanizer like him could ever be -

"-I didn't know you were a transgender lesbian! It was so tactless of me!"

...He didn't quite know what to say to that one.

He wasn't even angry anymore; the accusation was too ridiculous. Finally, he pushed down his shock enough to say slowly, "I am not gay."

She looked patronizing. "Yes, I know that now."

"No, I mean... I'm straight. And a guy. A born guy. Like... I was born with these parts." He meant to stop at "I'm straight," but as he spoke he'd realized all the ways she could have misunderstood him.

"...Oh."

There was an awkward pause.

"Um, well, then... You really have no excuse for not knocking first. But it's all good, since I wasn't naked or something."

Sakura almost slapped herself – hadn't _that_ sounded awkward – but then she looked again at the orange mask, and she felt better. It was only a weirdo with horrible fashion sense. Probably in the closet, too, if the usual stereotypes were true.

#

0

Madara had meant to walk in and terrify the bitch. When Nagato had passed him in the kitchen and informed him that his new toy had arrived, he'd decided to make her first task be to give Zetsu's flowers a funeral. He'd meant to make her carve a headstone out of rock and deliver a eulogy so heartfelt that it would make someone cry – and when she inevitably failed, he'd planned to make her apologize to Zetsu for not doing a good enough job.

He'd had all those beautiful plans. But now, he wasn't quite up to carrying them out.

Instead, he nudged the flowers toward her, hands in his pockets, and muttered: "Flowers. Funeral." Then he walked out, not quite sure about himself.

As he walked down the stairs, he found himself pondering a question that the girl had provoked in him. It was an important question, one that he had considered already in the last few days but hadn't taken seriously. He'd thought it was a question to which the answer didn't matter – no, he'd thought he'd had the right answer.

But now the encounter had brought it up fresh in his mind, and he couldn't stand it.

Unable to bear the internal stabs that the question evoked, Madara locked himself into the next bathroom he came across and stared at himself in the mirror, hands clenched on the edge. His body language was the very picture of a man agonizing over his thoughts. Finally, he whispered the question that so permeated his thoughts.

"Do I really look that gay?"

Nagato, who happened to be passing by, overheard and replied. "Yes."

**Line break**

Sakura blinked, confused. Orange Mask had left without saying anything much, except for trying to prove his straightness. Something about flowers and a funeral? She wrinkled her nose when she saw what he'd left behind. The flowers were daisies, but they were shriveled and burnt. Not a very good welcome present. And what was that about a funeral? Had someone died?

She decided to throw them away later, and went back to hanging her clothes. From somewhere in the huge house, there came a sound of agonized moaning.

What a weird place.

**Chapter 4 end.**

Hi guys! You guys probably didn't see my profile update yet, but – yeah, I'm alive. I don't have a solid excuse for my long absence, really. Sorry.

Here's chapter 4. I'm updating this because a lot of people seem to like it, and I had most of it done anyway. No promises to when the next chapter's gonna be posted, but I hope you enjoy! Oh yes, and I **edited my past chapters**_**. **_I got rid of the prologue entirely because I dislike it. I also fixed up the old chapters- just grammar, syntax, plot holes, etc. I'd recommend rereading them, but you don't have to. No major changes, I think.

As always, mention any typos or errors in a review or PM, please. I love reading reviews, so don't be shy! I'm not the kind of picky author that only appreciates long, thoughtful critiques, either – even a simple "cool story bro" makes me smile. :)

Love,

j.


	5. alert

Hi, readers!

I've added a new chapter – it might not alert those who've subscribed, since I replaced chapters instead of just adding a new one. It's because I got rid of the prologue.

Happy reading!


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